


I've Got Time To Burn

by Caelys



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Chance Meetings, F/M, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caelys/pseuds/Caelys
Summary: Some people are better to be left in the past.---But they belonged together. The two of them had plans. And he gave up on everything they wanted for a quick exit. He left her to suffer on her own, while his life was being built in front of his eyes.
Relationships: Michael Gray/Original Female Character(s), Michael Gray/Reader, Michael Gray/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Where Do We Belong? Anywhere But Here

The various cutouts of newspaper pages were scattered all across the table. Interviews, articles, statistics. She was prepared, and she knew it. There were no awkward questions, she was going to ask about all the uncomfortable details, that no one dared to comment on.

Her third cup of coffee for the day was placed on the side, at a safe distance from her notes. She learned her lesson a few hours ago, when she spilled half her cup over her notes. And so her notebook had a few beautiful dark stains, that were now drying.

The soft jazz playing from the radio, was easing her worries. It all was gonna be good.

Bouncing her pen in between her fingers, trying to figure the best way to start the conversation, a muffled whistling brought her out of her trance.

That fucking whistling. It has been a while, since she had heard it. Sarah looked up. Her eyes searching every corner of that cafe.

He was there, he had to be. It was their bloody signal. Imitating the sounds of birds, so that their parents wouldn’t know it’s them. How many troubles they had avoided using that method. There were no birds in that smoggy hellhole that was London.

And there he was - 3 tables away from her. He had come not too long ago as his coat was still in his hand. Staring right at her.

What are the odds of finding someone you haven’t seen in ages in a cafe? In a state where you’re nervous and vulnerable?

Sarah had imagined meeting him hundreds of different times and all of her imagined scenarios were a better alternative to that moment. There were over 7 million people living in London and she had to see him of all people.

“Michael, oh God. It’s been so long. How have you been?” Sarah got up of her chair and extended her hand to shook his.

_‘Don’t leave please! Don’t throw you life away! Don’t throw us away!’_

A firm handshake, just as she remembered. But that was the only thing that had remained the same.

“Sarah! I... What are you doing here?” A warm smile graced his lips. He almost looked like the Henry she used to know and love. He had gotten taller, if that was even possible. Or maybe it the fitted tan suit he was wearing that was making him appear bigger.

_‘I just found my family. How do you expect me to stay?’  
_ _‘You already have a family!’_

"Killing a bit of time before my interview" she took a sip for the half empty coffee cup, placed on the table. In her right hand were now lying the small notebook and pen. A few ink stains of her fingers. "Where are my manners? Good God!" Sarah nodded towards the empty chair on the other side.

Michael accepted the wordless invitation, placing his coat on the other chair. "Interview? If you’re looking for a job, I could..."

‘ _Henry, I...’  
‘It’s Michael now’_

“Thank you for the offer" she didn’t let him finish his sentence "But I don’t need your help - actually I’ll be interviewing the Prime minister in two hours. I’m a journalist now.”

The look of surprise on his face was something Sarah would remember ‘till the day of her death.

' _I can't just stay here and wait for my death. I can't die a nobody, Y/n!'  
You don’t have to stay. I have plans, I’m going away soon. Come with me_'  
' _You've been saying that for fucking years. You’re never gonna leave!_ '

“You mean the soon to be ex Prime minster” Michael quickly gained his composure back. She really did manage to get out of town. She had gotten her life together.

“Maybe” It was still to early to see if he would remain in power. That attempt for a treaty with the USSR, while being vastly unpopular with both the Liberals and Conservatives, was enough to bring the whole government down. But it didn’t. Somehow MacDonald still had power. The government was a mess and she had the exclusive rights to interview the very man who caused it all.

“Congratulations!” Michael broke the silence.

“What for?” again this was turning into their usual conversations the last few months before they cut contact. One worded replies and a lot of things left unsaid.

“You really did manage to get away”

One year ago she was freshly out of town, barely making ends meet. Some days not eating, while on others she was at the edge of getting kicked out of the small room she used to rent. And now she was going up the social ladder. Her luck finally turned. She was triumphant.

Just like that the conversation stopped abruptly. Both of them realized how awkward the whole situation was. They haven’t spoken to each other for over a year and a half. From best friends they had turned into strangers.

_'I fucking loved you, and now I don’t even recognize you...'_

“So did you”

Both of them had reached their goals. They were out of the god forsaken town. They had escaped, but at what price?

Staring right into each others eyes. Not moving. Barely breathing. Time had stopped. For a second the were the kids they used to be years ago. Scraped up knees and all sorts of mischief.

Sarah tried to search for the person she once knew in those eyes. But he wasn’t there anymore. His eyes had hardened. He had lost everything he once had; he once was.

Little did she knew, but he was doing the very same thing. Michael searched for something in those familiar eyes. “We didn’t belong there.”

“No, we didn’t” It wasn’t a lie. But they belonged together. The two of them had plans. And he gave up on everything they wanted for a quick exit. He left her to suffer on her own, while his life was being built in front of his eyes.

_'What the fuck, Henry! Those people are murderers!'  
'They are MY family!'  
'We were your family!'_

“I see, life has been treating you well”

“Yeah, you can say that. I’m now the chief accountant for Shelby Company Ltd.”

“Congratulations” she really meant it. Despite their falling out, she still wished him only the best.

“They are good people” Michael said. Why was he defensive all of a sudden? Did the things that were left unsaid finally get to him?

“I bet they are”

Was this a conversation or an apology?

“I... My cousin - Tommy. He’s getting married in a few months. And... For the old times sake, would you like to come with me to the wedding. You’ll see them. I think you’re gonna like them” Even Michael was surprised by his words, but after a year of now contact they finally met again... Shit was different. They were different. But he had to try to keep her in his life.

He had made his choice, as did she. And those choices were something that made turning back impossible.

“I’d love to, but I can’t. It would be an awful look for an engaged lady.” Sarah gently shifted her left hand to show off that shiny diamond. “Now, if you would excuse me, I have a Prime minister to interview.

As Sarah made her exit, she swore never to visit that cafe again.


	2. Someone I Love Threw Me Away

It was a long ride. Probably the longest one Sarah had taken in years. From the overpopulated dingy London, far far North. Where the fields were eternal and the stars were always visible at night. To a place where she didn’t need to carry her pen and notebook everywhere in the rare chance of seeing some politician or other influential figure. To place where she wasn’t defined by what she’s done, but who she was engaged to.

Just like home.

Uncomfortably close to home.

“Remind me again, why are we going to the wedding of a man, who you don’t even like?” Sarah was staring out of the window, watching how the trees were passing the car. Green blurs with undefined shapes.

“Because his wife is the biggest contributor to the business. Now stop whining, we’re almost there”

“Don’t you fucking worry, I won’t make a fool out of you”

So many fucking cars. Honestly Sarah wasn’t sure when was the last time she saw this many expensive cars in one place. Kids were running around being wild, screaming at the top of their lungs. There were men in military uniforms looking up at everyone who didn’t have a purpleheart presented on their chest. A truly comical sight.

James pulled Sarah on her arm, keeping her close to him “Smile”

He was almost glued to her side as the two made their way into the church. And just as expected the chaos in there was no lesser than the one outside. Tens of faces and she knew none.

“Where do we sit?”

“Left side, we’re here on the behalf of the bride”

And of course they were to be sat on the side with the military men and posh ladies. Sarah felt under dressed just by being close to them. The cheaper fabric of her dress was making her skin itchy. For her to buy such a dress would cost her at least two months of salaries. She wasn’t like them and they knew it. An invisible wall separating her and the society that kept pushing her away.

But if she had to be honest, she wouldn’t like to be sitting on the other side either. There were too many screaming children. It looked like all sorts of random people we collected to represent the groom. It reminded her of the weddings back home - just an excuse to have fun and drink. And just when Sarah thought the church couldn’t get any louder, a baby started crying.

“Oi, Michael, pass the little one to me” A young looking man shouted across of her and she felt her hands going cold.

Michael was a popular name.

_‘I… My cousin - Tommy. He’s getting married in a few months.’_

There were so many Michaels all across Britain. There we too many Michaels. There was no fucking way…

And yet despite the low chances it was him. Sitting on the first roll. Sarah having a perfect view of him. Fuck. She prayed and hoped and begged that she wasn’t seen. Throwing looks at him every few minutes, just to make sure that she wasn’t spotted. And not even once she saw him even remotely looking in her direction.

Of course she was supposed to connect the dots. He’s cousin was getting married. His name was Thomas. The groom’s name was Thomas. But they met in London. Michael was supposed to be living in London. Not Birmingham. Not wherever the fuck they currently were. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How the fuck was she so stupid that she completely forgot about how they met up half a year ago. But being honest, there was no way Sarah could have remembered. The last few months her mind was completely occupied with the deepening problems between her and James.

“Sarah, Sarah!” James pulled her right out of her head, his tongue hissing against her ear “Cheer. Can’t you see they’re already exchanging vows”

And of course the whole hall was cheering up and shouting at the newlyweds. She wanted to sink into the ground. And the day wasn’t even remotely close to being over. The official dinner was mere hours away, and she had to sit on the same table as Henry. Michael. 

* * *

The tiny road was leading all the way up to a mansion in the outskirts of Birmingham. And it didn’t even belong to someone with a title, just a rich man who wanted to buy his way into the high society. Similar to her, but he had a big advantage - money. She had nothing, just a talent with words and a rich fiancee.

And that was never going to be enough for them. The people with power. Those with big names and inherited houses. Sarah tried her best and she managed to get into the upper middle class. She had a nice flat. Food on her table.

She was more educated than anyone else in her family. She was meeting big people constantly. Asking them questions. Barely touching the surface, she saw glimpses of what it was like to be in their shoes. James helped her to get even closer. Because of him she had her own little bubble inside the high society.

But it was all going to burst soon. Very soon. It was inevitable. And then?

What then?

Her thoughts were flying so fast through her head. What was she going to do after? Where was she going to stay?

Sarah was lost. Truly lost. She would have died than to return to the village. She was grown past it. None of the conversations there were of interest. The people there were tiny and they had tiny problems. She escaped for a reason. Her education and knowledge became a leverage.

These people would welcome her. She knew it. But Sarah wouldn’t welcome them back in her life.

But could she stay where she was? No. She was accepted in this circle, because of James. Remove him and she was nothing. No one. She didn’t fit in as it was. The problems of these people were so insignificant that she laughed every single time was heard about a fabric being out of stock. Or when some one wore a dress that was fashionable two seasons ago.

She knew what it was like to have nothing. To be nothing. But no one else understood her. She knew the problems of the people that stood below them. And that made her a good journalist. But it didn’t make her a good company for dinner.

She had distanced herself from her past, but also from her future.

The mansion was now getting closer. The red brick separating the green of the landscape surrounding it all. The red brick pulling her right out of her head.

“What’s the problem?” James asked. For the past hour she hadn’t said a thing.

_‘One day I will escape! One day I will own a house far away from here…’ ‘How far?’ ‘So, so far away! Somewhere in Italy, France maybe… Or better - on the other side of the ocean’_

“None, you just know how much I dislike weddings”

“It’s just a few hours you know. After that we’re going home, and you’re not going to see these people ever again”

How clueless James truly was. He hammered down the problem without even knowing about it. He didn’t know about Michael. He didn’t know about her life at the village. He didn’t know how much he used to mean to her. Michael built her up and he broke her down.

“I know” Sarah answered a lot more bitter than she wanted, so she quickly continued “I really hope the dinner will start soon, I am fucking starving”

“Language, Sarah. What would they think when they hear my soon to be wife swear like a sailor” suddenly James’s voice was strict like he was talking to a child that had misbehaved.

Of course everything was for the image. Lately she just had to be the picture perfect bride, that was gentle and caring, and had never heard a bad word in her life. When did James change so much?

But that wasn’t important then. First thing she had to survive the dinner. And that was proven to be tougher than she expected. The table was one. And just like it was in the church, the left side was for the bride’s family and the right for the groom’s.

Sarah held her head up and smiled as she was walking towards the formal dinning room. As she was getting in her place. But her smile quickly vanished as she saw him. Michael. Just three seats away from her.

And he was watching her. Slightly raising his glass. A gesture invisible to everyone, but her.

If she hadn’t mentioned half an hour ago how hungry she was, she wouldn’t have eaten a thing. Her stomach in a big know. Everything there was delightful except the company she had. On one side James, on the other some old woman that couldn’t help but constantly complain about everything under the sun. And on top of that Michal was sitting so close to her. This was a personal hell.

This was the longest dinner Sarah had the displeasure to attend. And it seemed like it was eternal. One can think of only that many polite conversations until the conversation started revolving around the weather and the strangely warm winter.

But after over two hours it all was brought to an end. The more informal part was about to start. But before that it was time for a dance. Which meant that it was time to listen to pointless business talks and prospects. James didn’t dance, he preferred to build connections. And once again she was absent minded smiling politely and nodding at the appropriate times. But not for long.

“I am sorry for interrupting, but I want to ask your lady for a dance, if you don’t mind.”

“And you are?”

“Michael Gray”

James quickly tried to remember what he knew of the Grays. Absolutely nothing, except the fact that they were in close relation for the Shelbys. And that last fact quickly influenced his decision. “Well then Mr. Gray, of course I don’t mind, as long as you return her to me at the end of the song”

With a smug smile Michael led Y/m through the room, just out of sight for James and the other people he had a conversation with “Good seeing you again, Sarah. I see you’ve changed your mind about the wedding”

“Good seeing you too. What a house your cousin Tommy has. I am really impressed” Ever since she saw him at the dinner table she was mentally preparing for their inevitable conversation, but that didn’t make it any easier.

“And I am impressed by the man you call a fiancee. He truly seems lovely.” Michael said that last word in such a way, it sent shivers down Sarah’s spine. Or maybe it was his hand that rested on the small of her back that made her feel such way.

“Don’t tell me you’ve invited me to dance just to talk about my fiancee”

And with that they joined all the other spinning couples. Hand in hand. Their bodies a little bit closer than socially accepted. Michael being a confident dancer. Swiftly leading every single step she took.

“No, I invited you for the sake of the old times” his warm breath tickling against her neck.

If James saw them, it was going to end badly. Very fucking badly. But in that moment she didn’t care. It was just 3 minutes that the two were how they used to be. For a while the bad blood was behind them.

But her dress shifted as they danced and the strategical placement of jewellery and straps was no longer hiding anything. The blue hue of the bruise was no longer hidden. When she realized what had happened she tried to cover it up and pretend that nothing had happened. But the damage was already done. Michael had seen it. His whole drunken playfulness was gone withing seconds.

“Michael, no…” Before she could have said anything, Michael pulled her closer to his chest.

“No what? I can see very clearly Sarah. Give me one fucking reason not to go and break his fucking face right here, right now” Just by the glimpse in his eyes she knew how serious that threat was.

“I have this under control!”

The song was now ending and as the last accords were being played, the two continued to talk.

“No, you don’t”

It was finally time to let go of each other as well as the past.

“I’m saving up money, and I’m planning on leaving him. I don’t need your help” Sarah whispered as they were walking back. Careful not to be heard by the wrong people. Her plan had to remain a secret otherwise, it was doomed to fail.

“How long has this being going on?” Michael’s voice was flat. His eyes were fixated on the spot James was standing. Ever since the two let go, he refused to look at her again.

“A bit over two months now, why?”

Michael never answered. A prefect smile was placed onto his lips as they were approaching James. He looked cheerful while the men were politely returning to their wives. It was obvious the talks were beneficial.

Maybe Michael was a bit harsh, or maybe she was too aware of the situation and noticed every detail. “Have you heard, my cousins are arranging horse races out. I think they’ll be done by now. Would you mind joining me?”

Fortunately her fiancée, didn’t notice anything and quickly agreed. Almost gentleman like he kissed Sarah’s hand goodbye and followed the younger man. And that moment took all of Michael’s strength not to punch him straight in the face.

A double-faced snake.

And that was the scariest. If Michael didn’t know better, he would have thought that James was a decent man. He had good manners. The conversation was flowing naturally. And yes, he may have been a bit too nice, borderlining boot-licking. But he didn’t seem cruel.

A deadly misconception.

And soon enough the lights from the house were far. The warm glow of the fires was getting closer and closer.

But still far enough, so no one could hear the screams.

The agony.

The fight.

For the first time in his life, Michael sincerely regretted not wearing the razor blade cap.

The first strike across his eyes. The second across his throat. And the body eaten by the flames.

But no. He had to do it the old way. And with that his fingers curled up in a fist.

Sarah heard nothing of that. She saw nothing. In that time she tried to hold a conversation with an older looking woman, who introduced herself as the aunt of the groom. And she truly tried to be invested in the conversation. To answer. To hear what the other woman was saying, but she couldn’t. Every word flied past her ears. Until she was so absent minded that she had to excuse herself from the conversation to get some fresh air.

But as much she needed that cold night breeze against her face, she needed to see that Michael was alright. He had to return. He had to be alright. Sarah was too afraid to think of the other possibility.

Nothing came out of the nearby trees. No sound. No yelp. In that moment nothing was real. Just her and the stars. Did they answer pleas? Or wishes? Or she had to beg on her knees, just so they would consider the possibility of granting her deepest desire.

It was too late to wonder. Or to try. The stars were too far and too self-absorbed to hear her. Maybe she had to call for help… But who? But why? What was she going to say? That her fiancée left the mansion to join the others at the races? She would sound crazy and clingy.

Sarah had nothing left except to stay and wait for whoever showed up first. In one case she was free, in the other she was going to be a life long prisoner inside her own house.

Anxiously she waited to see who was that shadowy person, who was creeping up from away. With a slow and steady pace Michael was returning. Drying up blood all over his face. His face expressionless. Without a word he sat on the stone stairs beside her. Swiftly taking the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

Without waiting for an invitation Sarah took one and lit it. “What happened?”

“He won’t bother you anymore.”

“Did you…?” she couldn’t bring herself to finish the question. As much as he grew to despise James, the possibility of him being killed was still a scary one.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah, what man do you think I am?” The silence fell heavier than ever. Even worse than what it used to be before Michael moved away. It was worse that the silence that fell after she scream that she hated him. “I’ll send someone to collect your things on Monday. Now you’re under the protection of the Peaky Blinders.”

“Thank you…”

“I read the interview at the paper.” Michael stated out of nowhere.

“What interview?”

“The prime minister one. You’re good you know?” for the first time since their dance he looked directly at Sarah. His eyes full of grief. For the friend he thought he almost lost “Why didn’t you write me? Why didn’t you ask for help? I would have come. I would have…”

She didn’t let him finish his thought. “Because all was good in the beginning. Because I loved him. Because…” she stopped, unable to say these next words. The invisible hand of her ?? was choking her. “Because you never wrote to me. Because you have moved on and I didn’t want to be an anchor.”

Because she used to care about Michael so deeply that his absence hurt more than any other word he said to her.

Michael took a breath, slowly exhaling the smoke “I did. I wrote you a letter every single month… and I never sent any of them”

Inside his desk at home stood almost sixty pages full of words. Locked and hidden. They were written and then never looked at again. Some letters were more general.

Some were apologetic. Saying sorry about everything he had said and done. All his regrets. And all the things he left unsaid.

And in some he was throwing away all his pride and he was inviting her to come to Birmingham to live with him.

“Why?”

“Because I realized I hurt you. I ran away. I said some things I shouldn’t have. And I thought it would be selfish to write to you. I didn’t want to cause any more harm”

She laughed bitterly. “Do you realize that I was desperate to hear you’re alive and alright. Do you realize how badly I needed my friend when…”

Sarah couldn’t continue. These back and forward accusations weren’t going to lead them anywhere. That was the reason it all fell apart. They were blaming each other, without seeing the fault in themselves.

‘‘…it doesn’t matter it’s all in the past now.”

Michael closed his eyes, the words were coming out of his mouth so unbelievably fast that the merged together “Givemeanotherfuckingchance”

“I want to be your friend. I want things to be better than they were.”

She nodded and as she was opening her mouth to say something, a scream interrupted her. It was that woman she spoke to last “Michael, why are you all bloody?! I warned your cousins - one fucking night without fighting and you’re the one that broke the rule!”

Michael let a small laugh “And that’s my mother”

And in that moment Sarah thought that maybe, just maybe the Shelby’s weren’t that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was good writing this. Maybe I can come back in the future to write another chapter. But for now goodbye. It's been a pleasure

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost of a tumblr one shot I wrote like 6 months ago. I'm currently working on a second part that will probably come in around a week time!


End file.
